June Mantra: Just for today, I will try to live through this day only & not tackle my whole life at once :) Baby steps
I am a person who has always been a big thinker, an idea person, a business entrepreneur, knowing I was not a worker bee. My destiny I thought was to run a Fortune 500 Company when I was 10. Dreams change, but ambition, focus, and expectations on self never go away, at least for me anyways. It is in my personality and temperament to WANT everything NOW. I am impulsive and have high expectations for myself. Once I know what I want, I want to achieve it now. I also may change my mind a lot and then want the new wants now. See a pattern here?
I often tell the people I mentor, and support that Recovery is about baby steps. The little choices and decisions we make and behaviors we choose to do, all matter because it helps us move along our own individual journey in recovery and life. I honestly believe in my own recovery I had to take it slow, recognize the little things that helped and not get too wrapped up in the big picture & future.
I am currently struggling with finding peace in the baby steps. I know the journey and goals, but sometimes my path changes a lot. I want the end result, often forgetting the journey is what life is all about. I am able to recognize when things happen, or chance encounters happen, that “things will happen as they are meant to” but I often get trapped in the “am I doing enough to get to my goal” thinking. It is a trap. I recognize that. It is an unreal expectation to have everything I want in the future right now. It also clouds the ability to recognize the blessings and gratefuls when they occur. It takes me away from being present in life.
I have so many things I want to do in life, personally and professionally, and I see everyday little changes that are bringing the two closer and closer. Two years ago the gap was huge, a bridge wasn’t even foreseen, let alone built. Today I can honest say the bridge is being built, to where I have ideas, hopes and dreams, but the ultimate destination is foggy.
I want to stop and smell the roses. I want to be present and recognize I do not need to do Today everything in order to reach my ultimate destination. I think this is a lesson for Recovery and life. I want to be able to recognize successes, say my gratefuls (which I do nightly on Twitter now), and stop putting this ridiculous pressure on myself to be all that I can be today. I know this is who I am, to have high expectations, but I fear if I don’t take moments to process the baby steps, I may not be following the right path for me. Who is to say this ultimate FINAL destination is right for me in the future? Maybe my path is supposed to change or grow in different directions, and if I believe in things happening for a reason, perhaps I also need to stop and have a little faith in not only my abilities, but the Universe delivering its gifts in the proper timing.
I am sick of the “shoulds” the “could haves” the “enoughs” that run through my head on a daily, moment to moment basis. I am sick of criticizing myself if I decide to take ME time and do nothing. I hate questioning if I should be doing this, or that, and feeling guilty if I take a few days off work to spend with my Dad, or time with my guy, or time to watch TV. I know these self expectations and pressures will not go away, but I am going to make June the month to FIGHT this and counter the thoughts with positive reinforcement. I want to be mindful, not self-critical, I want to reach my goals, but I also want to enjoy life. I want to be able to read the novel s I want to, take the trips I want to, spend time just doing nothing to breathe and connect with myself. I want to actually live this life in the NOW and not only focus on the future. I have worked so hard in the last two years, and I honestly believe and know I am going towards a wonderful future where I can help people, but I don’t want to lose myself, my purpose, or the miss the lessons along the journey.
How about you? Do you struggle on the journey only focusing on the future? Do you take time to smell the roses? Will you join me during June to try to live through this day only & not tackle your whole life at once???