I feel emotionally confused. Normally I am one who can name the feeling, find the reason, feel it fully and ride it out. This is the case for feelings such as sad, stressed, overwhelmed, tired, anxious, etc. I realize as I’m typing this I did NOT include happiness, joy, calmness, pleasure, euphoria, hyper, etc. That I because I don’t question and overanalyze when I feel good. I’m able to accept it as those in mindfulness say we should approach all feelings and emotions. I am able to just ‘be’ in it. I can live in it, and not judge the feeling. This isn’t how I approach less that fun feelings. I have a feeling I am not the only one who can relate to this. I really believe mindfulness has helped me approach uncomfortable feelings. I do a lot of self talk and believe it will change. I try to motivate myself to not judge the feelings and just accept them.
When I feel emotionally confused, all of this goes out the door. Mainly because I’m unsure of what I’m feeling. It seems like I cannot find a word to explain what cloudiness I going on in my head. This isn’t the same thing as numb or dissociated. I feel very aware that I have no idea what I am feeling. And I am feeling something.
I believe it’s a pattern, that when I don’t know what I’m feeling I cling to a feeling I can understand. It makes me feel more secure to put a name to it. I find the trend is after I have an emotional disregulation situation in my life, the hangover for the next three days is this confusion.
I could just be emotionally drained. Too drained to figure out what I feel. I could also be avoiding any feeling at all. With my history I ran to negative coping skills like many do. I had a realization that I often forget I am recovery from two disorders. I am in the eating disorder community all day and often ignore or forget I also am sober and that too is an important piece of my processing of emotions.
I want to briefly share the Tweets I posted last night because I am a mass Tweet Deleter. I struggle with sharing too much, and not coming off a certain way. I like to control HOW I appear to others. I do not fear others judging me, so much as me judging myself. I need to be accountable and sharing these here will be good for me to remember the importance of writing my processing and sharing with others.
– I will be OK no matter what happens. I am ok w/ not knowing, & OK with whatever happens. Some things when u let go are out of your control
– When you were a drinker like I was, I never processed emotions effectively or healthy. So I had 2 things that affected my ability 2 function
– #TodayIChoose to remember I have made it a HUGE way from the girl I was 3 years ago. That girl wasnt living. I am now.
– And I will allow myself to cry and realize that just because I have hard days now doesnt negate the overall progress I have made
– In recovery it is hard being in relationships at times. To handle relationships and our “self” at the same time and they often collide
To approach feelings and put names to them makes sense. Our brain likes to categorize the world we are in to make it understandable. But trying to put a box of a single feeling word is counterproductive for me when I am trying to approach feelings with mindfulness. Feelings also don’t fit neatly into a box. They are living, breathing, ever changing state of mind and if I focus too hard on one I am not allowing them to flow naturally. Confusion though makes me anxious, so I move from not being sure of what I’m feeling, to overanalyzing said emotions, and this brings me to anxiety. The last place I ever want to be is anxious.
So I am going to accept emotional/feeling confusion is an actual category. Stop trying to fit myself into another box that limits my process, growth, and training to create new brain pathways in how I choose (and NOT react) to new challenges.
The tough part is the HOW to do this. I am honestly not sure. But for today I will counter every single negative thought, or over-analysis with a grateful. I know the power of my grateful and how they can shift my perspective from the dark to the light. I will let you all know how that goes!