Two weeks ago I initiated a new start to our relationship. In the past few years, as you know, we have been broken up and separated for my health. I thought now, years into recovery, perhaps our relationship would be different. I thought since I was healthy, going to pilates, I could have a healthy relationship with you. I thought our past didn’t have to define our future. I started the relationship slowly, by initiating in a “safe” place for me – my pilates studio. I stepped on you and at first you refused to engage in the relationship. I perhaps should have taken this as a sign. I walked away disappointed but calm, thinking more deeply about whether I was initiating this relationship too soon.
A few days later I re-engaged you and this time you responded. You are one with few words, and simply gave me a number. There was no discussion, or interaction between us. I walked away almost giddy & high from the number. This reaction concerned me. An instant, gut reaction, to a small moment of interaction. I was not happy about the gut reaction, and had to think about this for a while. I know 1) I am healthy and 2) I have been doing pilates 3 times a week, so it is only normal for my weight to fluctuate from a few months ago when I was at the doctors’ office.
A few days later I again initiated this relationship. Anxiety over took me for a moment after you again had few words, no discussion and just gave a number. This time it had changed again, and I was concerned as I looked in the mirror to analyze if a few days could have led to the change. This moment of self criticism, instantly affected my body image. At this point I should have walked away. But I did not. At a friends’ house this weekend, again a safe place, I engaged our relationship again. The number you gave me hit me in the gut, and freaked me out. I no longer felt safe in the interactions we have had in the last few weeks.
Don’t get me wrong – I was the one who initiated this relationship. I pursued it. But I have to say it is no longer a working relationship, at least at this point in time. This is definitely not about you, but all about me. Sometimes relationships don’t work out; sometimes it’s all about timing, so for now I have to break up with you again. I realize now I am more engaged in this relationship than you. Often we have to weigh the pros and cons of what we give and are given in the relationship. I realize you do not give me what I need in a relationship, you do not give me support, love, dialogue, hugs, you only give me a one word replyies with no further discussion.
I am in a different place in my life, and stronger in recovery, and yet our relationship brings nothing but self doubt, self criticism, obsessive thinking, and constantly questioning if I am doing something right or wrong, and if I need to change for you to give me what I want. This is a place I need to be vigilant on. I have to choose me, my recovery, my health, and find and build relationships that are supportive, kind, loving, real and HONEST. You do not give me anything. You do not tell me I am healthy or not, you do not tell me my worth, you do not define me. I am simply and unequivocally worth MORE than what you give me.
I kept thinking I had to change to make the relationship work; I had to change how I respond to you, and react. Perhaps this is the truth, but I know that for NOW I cannot be in a place where a healthy relationship can exist between us. And I am OK with walking away for my health, piece of mind, and self care.
Goodbye for now.